Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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