I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
