I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Randomize
