Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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