Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
