They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
