I seem to have left my pride at pride
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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