I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Randomize