her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
