I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
