I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize