wanna go halves on a baby?
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
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