i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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