Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
