We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
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