I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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