oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
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