i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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