My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
