im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Randomize
