Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
