She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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