once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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