She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
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