Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
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