Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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