Why is it people are always in costumes on Cheaters these days? Joe Greco literally just said, "It appears they get chased by a chicken with a chainsaw." WTF?
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
