the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Randomize
