my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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