home. puking in laundry basket.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
