he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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