I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
