kristin has been a bad kristin
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
