he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
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