Well apparently he's into motor boating.
it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
