im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
