How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Randomize