Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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