working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
dude. I can hear the air.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
