Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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