she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
