whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Randomize