The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
She's the barista slut.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
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