she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
