Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
