true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
Randomize
