I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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