Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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