We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
