I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Randomize
