Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Randomize
