Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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