YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Randomize
