I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
