I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
did i just pee glitter
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
