cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
