wtf someone played my fucking brickbreaker games and lost i had ten fucking lives. ughhh
maybe you did when you were drunk
no way, i wasn't THAT drunk.
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
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