dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
