My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Randomize
