I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
we're making bets on your personal life
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
