My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
