i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
