is your mom at the bar?
I faked an abortion last night.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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